You happened on this page for a reason. Regardless of whether or not you've lost a child or because you're just curious, you are here. Although I've dedicated this page to those of you who, like me, have lost a child/children, I offer my heart and compassion to anyone experiencing grief. I hope my words of hope, compassion and kindness, and my music help ease your pain.
I became a grieving parent at approximately 5:20 pm August 7, 2008. This is when my 20 year old son Carmen, driving home from his brother's house, skidded into a tree and died. Not only did my son lose his life that day, but it also signified the "death" of the life I knew. He was here one minute and gone the next....no good-bye.....just gone. I have to admit that up until that point I never even contemplated what it would be like to lose a child, and honestly I could never relate to people who had. Sure, I felt sorry for "them," and I always prayed to never lose one of mine, but I never ever thought about the fact that it could really happen to me. I just naively assumed I was somehow above this very common occurrence (the same way I thought I'd never ever get divorced). I don't know why I would ever assume these truths but I did, and I was blind sided and crushed.
When my son first passed away, I really wanted to die. I just wanted the pain I was in to stop, and I did not want nor could I know how to live without him. My whole body ached. My heart, mind, and soul were broken. I was nothing but a shell of sorrow in the depths of a despair I never could have imagined. Time is passing though regardless of whether I want it to. In some ways it's a good thing because I am further and further away from those early days of losing him. Yet, in others ways it's not such a good thing because each new day takes me further and further away from the last time I talked to him, held him, told him I loved him, or seen him.
I can't believe it's been over 10 years now. I found in the early days of losing him the very best I could do was to just get out of bed, even though I hated to. I got up at least once a day (sometimes just to go to the bathroom). I knew I didn't really want to die even though I just wanted the pain to stop. I also still made time for my other children, who were suffering greatly. It was so very difficult to try to support them when I needed support, though, and I don't know if I did a very good job. I am selfishly grateful my three other children were all in their 20's and that they each were in long term relationships when this happened.
One of the hardest things I've found since he died has been trying to find meaning again in my life. Back then, my son (being my youngest) was my "meaning," and I had to face the fact that now he was gone. I also had just gone through a very difficult divorce after being married for many decades. On top of that my father died three weeks before my son. I really had no idea why I even needed to be here anymore. Miraculously, something deep inside me, deeper even than my grief, recognized that in order to survive, I needed to find/create a reason. Thus, my music was inspired into life. I'd found a purpose!: I would produce a CD of songs dedicated to my son for 1) him, so he would know how much I love him, 2) so he would not be forgotten and 3) so I could help other grieving people.
Producing my CD became my reason for living and seeing the songs come to life at the studio helped my heart begin to heal. The music was the focus of my life, and I poured all of my money, emotion, and energy into it. I was still a broken person, but I was also becoming a new person from the ashes of my despair. This new journey I find myself on, that of a mother carrying the memory of her dead child, has been the most gut wrenching, sorrowful of my life but it has also been the most rewarding and the most spiritually uplifting of my life, too. It forced me to dig deeper into my soul than I ever have before. Music and the purpose for it, is the reason I am still here today. I've spent all of my savings to produce my music, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the whole world. There was a purpose for me, and it was to create and share my music.
So now here I am 10 years later. I've gone from being newly divorced, unemployed, grieving a child, never writing or recording a song in my life and knowing zero about the music industry, to writing and producing three CDs, giving countless radio and newspaper interviews, having my music played on radio stations around the world, creating an online presence that includes this website, my Blog, YouTube, Facebook, Reverbnation, and selling my music in person and through my website and on iTunes and CD Baby. Most importantly however is the fact that I have a way to provide comfort to other grieving parents.
All the while I was creating my music, I was also working tirelessly to simplify my personal life. I can honestly say that I am living right now the most peaceful existence (which I share with my cat and dog) I ever thought possible. You know what though, I don't think any of this would have been possible had I not lost my son because losing him gave me a level of wisdom and understanding about the true meaning of "life is short." We really are only here for a short time, and so we better be living the life we desire. I have also acquired the essence of being truly grateful for every single minute I am alive. I take nothing for granted and recognize my humble connection to the rest of creation.
Regardless of where you are in your journey, I want you to know that I am here for you. I "get it." You can email me anytime and also look me up on Facebook. I receive mail and emails from people all over the world. You are not alone. I also want you to know that I have a gift for you.
I have a FREE gift for you. My songs on my first CD are available for grieving parents as FREE downloads. Simply fill out the form below, and I will email you the songs.
You see, my CD is produced for those who are grieving. If you want to purchase Whisper On the Wind, you certainly may through my music page and/or you can also make a donation of any amount on my "you can help" page. My goal is simply to help you heal and music has just the specified qualities to help you do that. My words are your words. My emotions are your emotions. I want you to have these songs.
GOD BLESS YOU, WATCH OVER YOU, AND GUIDE YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY
FREE music for grieving parents.
I get it, and you are not alone!
My first endeavor into songwriting happened after I lost my 20 year old son in a car accident in 2008. Two years later I performed and produced my first CD called, Whisper On the Wind. These are powerful songs which express all the emotions and feelings of a grieving parent. I have great love, compassion, and empathy for grieving parents.
If you are suffering such a loss, my music will help you to heal. Simply fill out and submit the form below, and I will email you the songs from my first CD, Whisper on the Wind, free of charge.